im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize