I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
