I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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