Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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