I just made out with a guy for $7.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
