dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
We smell like vodka and hangover
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