did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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