I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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