I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize