shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
