Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
