If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I need water and some morals
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize