i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Randomize
