i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize