i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
