my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
