Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
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