my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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