I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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