oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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