Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
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