Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
