I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
