my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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