Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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