I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
