please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
