I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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