I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
