We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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