the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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