I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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