It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
The best revenge is premature balding
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
