She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
