is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
