when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize