U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Randomize
