Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize