no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
