she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I can't turn off my feet"
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
