ugly people sure do ruin things
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
