I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
