dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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