The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
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