I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize