I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
