My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
