i just wanna soil my oats bro
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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