My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
