On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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