from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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