i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
