So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Randomize
