she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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