my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
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