So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
