Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
