Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
