i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
