maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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