The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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