matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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